My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
