Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
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Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
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There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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