Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
