my phone needs a breathalizer
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
