he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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