I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
