it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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