true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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