i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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