if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
