I molested 6 butterflies tonight
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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