Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
