why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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