She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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