I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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