my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
