There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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