i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
