My underwear smells like fireworks.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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