you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
