I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just gargled with NyQuil
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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