Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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