Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
