i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
