Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
