How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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