The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
