here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
