I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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