Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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