i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
