I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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