I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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