Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
