I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
