Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Randomize
