She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
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He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
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Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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