my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
