Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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