Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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