When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
