I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I fill condoms, not promises.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
