The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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