The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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