so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
