I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
