I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
