u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
