Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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