great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
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you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
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he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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