Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
