I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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