So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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