I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
