I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
you are never too drunk for berry picking
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
