I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
