I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We talked him into tasing himself.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
