i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
